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What Am I Chasing?

Posted by Omar Mendez on

Journal Entry - 6/5/2024

Foo I have been asking myself this question recently, “what am I chasing?” Neta guey, what am I chasing? Is it love? Is it money? Is it knowledge? Is it health? I had to break it down to get to the answer. 

What am I chasing in music? I know I’m not chasing the awards or the recognition. So why do I still do it? I enjoy doing it so I guess I’m just chasing the peace that comes with the release when writing. I need that release for myself or else I’ll lose it.

What am I chasing in love? Is it a girlfriend? Or maybe I’m just tired of being alone? I think I’m chasing something I’ve never had and I see everyone around me have it. There’s a little jealousy and comparison there, not gonna lie. I’m moving past that feeling thanks to all the shadow work I have been doing. I can’t compare myself to the people around me. We’re all on a journey. I trust in divine timing and all that good stuff but understanding divine timing doesn’t remove the anxiety of the wait. It’ll come when it has to come and I know that the more I worry about it, the longer the wait. I have to let go and let it flow.

What am I chasing with money? Is it to ball out? Is it to save everyone around me? I’m just now learning how to manage my money. I think to me, I’m just chasing the moments that come from having money. The feeling of buying a house, a car, a tool shed and grill for my Dad, the clothes that my Mom will be able to send to all my family in Mexico. 

What am I chasing on social media? Is it the recognition & following? I have deleted almost everything. Foo I was on Snapchat, TikTok, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Youtube at one point in my life. I’m down to IG & YT. Maybe it’s the dopamine hit I get from seeing a spirituality post or a post talking bout “You’re on the right path in life” because it brings reassurance. Yeah I get to share my art but is it really about that or am I still on my validation seeking shit?

What am I chasing in health? Am I trying to get healthy for me or the social benefits that come with it? Maybe I’m trying to lose weight because then I can finally get that girl and experience what everyone else is experiencing. Don’t get me wrong, losing weight feels dope and I feel dope. But I remember my journey has always been influenced by the attention of women.

What am I chasing in knowledge? Am I trying to get smarter for myself or to feel better than everyone else? As a kid, I used to feel accomplished when I would win academic challenges at school. Then I stopped giving a fuck. Once I decided to start reading again in 2019, I felt the same way. I was learning Marketing & Branding to get ahead and not feel like a failure. I wanted to be the best and everyone was competition. I’m past that now. So why do I want to keep learning? I’m learning to share the information and break it down in a way my peoples could understand.

So I ask myself again, what am I chasing? I’m chasing greatness but I have to separate greatness from perfection. Perfection is a concept but not a reality. Greatness is both. The greatest version of myself is my highest self. I’m chasing to be the greatest version of myself.