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The Monster

Posted by Omar Mendez on

Journal Entry - 6/10/2024

Foo yesterday I posted about anger. Today it came out. I finally snapped. It was a split second but deam dawg, I felt it coming. I spiked my phone and broke my iPad. Why I got mad doesn’t matter because I realize that it wasn’t their fault. I snapped but nobody got to see the monster. That destructive force I have been noticing come out the past month. The one that doesn’t give a fuck about anybody or anything. The one that doesn’t care about life or death. The one that doesn’t care about consequences. The one that sees red. The one that wants to knock someone out. The one who exists in the dark. I talk about this monster in the 3rd person because I’m ashamed of it. However, that monster is me.

I’m starting to understand why I’m so angry. The worst part about it is that it isn’t the only emotion or feeling I have been dealing with. It’s like all these dormant parts of me are suddenly becoming online so I get to sit with them. I doubt any of this happens if I’m still drinking, smoking, watching porn, etc. I’m exhausted but excited at the same time. I have to trust the process.