Quick History
I started experimenting with alcohol around the age of 13. I remember clearly the day I took my 1st sips. My cousins and my older brother were stealing beers from the cooler during a family party. It was at night, there was a lot of movement, and they took a chance to snatch Tecates. They were already in high school so whatever they were into, I was into. After that, more opportunities to drink started presenting themselves and by the time I was a senior in high school, I was slugging 40s like it was my job.
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I went to college, joined a fraternity, and came back a full blown alcohol enthusiast. I was drinking heavily from 2013 - 2021. That’s like 7 years of drinking multiple days a week. Sometimes I drank everyday. Not like a beer or two either. I’m talking about multiple 40s, a full bottle, or a full case. I learned a code in college that I followed every time, “1 beer is no beer”. This was the birth of Big Rowdy and the whole Rowdy movement I was working on. Was it fun? Of course but I always knew in the back of my head that I would stop one day. I told myself that I would stop at the age of 30. I stopped at 28.
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What Changed?
I was diagnosed with diabetes type 2 in September 2019 so I had to start taking medication. After that, I started rethinking my lifestyle. At this point I went from drinking like 4-5 days to 2-3 days a week. The weekends were my “off days” from my medication. I started working out 3 times a week and began practicing intermittent fasting. I wasn’t the best at following my routine but at least I was trying and it worked. By April 2022 I was off my diabetes medicine but by then my mentality had changed.
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In February 2022, I took an eighth of shrooms in my backyard and saw 2 possible timelines. In one timeline, I’m still drinking but I die young. In the second timeline, I’m sober and healthy. I found my golden compass. After that day, I started taking my health a little bit more seriously. I told myself I would drink once a week but I also began contemplating sobriety. Just thinking about sobriety was the catalyst. I couldn’t wait til 30, it was too dangerous for my health. I told myself, “I will not die young because of my habits”. I also began studying spirituality, shadow work, and inner child healing.
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End of an Era
The rest of 2022 wasn’t perfect. I would still drink but eventually, I brought it down to once a week. The problem was that I had no limits and my tolerance was hazardous. I would overindulge and years of pent up emotions began to come out. My hangovers had me throwing up for hours and at the verge of tears every single time. I had brain fog for 3 days after I drank. I would drink during my livestreams and I would delete the replays the next day because I was too embarrassed to see myself drunk. Most of the time, I would drink alone in my room playing video games.
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In 2023, I didn’t even celebrate my birthday like in years past. I didn’t feel like it when I began realizing that the end was near. After March, I went sober for like 5 months. In September, I went back to Ohio for the 1st time since 2017 and went on a bender there. It was a trip down memory lane, caught up with a lot of my fraternity brothers, and I found closure. I came back to LA and drank 3 more times. 2 of those times I drank alone, in the dark, playing video games. It’s almost like I knew that it was the end of a chapter. The last time I drank was November 3, 2023.
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Another key contributor to my sobriety was that in 2023, I was diagnosed with OCD, depression, and generalized anxiety. I was going to OCD therapy 2 times a week. I was also doing shadow work, inner child work, meditation, and a number of other healing activities besides therapy. I quit my job, ghosted everybody, and got off the internet for a while. I began focusing on my mind, body, and soul. I began healing that part of me I neglected.
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The Truth
The more I looked inside, the less urges I got. I was looking for answers and movement outside but what I needed to do was look inside. I realized a lot of things about myself, good and bad. I remembered why I started drinking in the first place:
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-Mexican culture and its relationship with alcohol
-Wanted to be like the “rebels” to impress the girls
-Wanted to be like my older cousins and my brother
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Once I got these answers, everything started making sense. I spent my teenage years and most of my 20s trying to prove to the world that I was rowdy. But what happens when you focus on trying to impress others, you forget about yourself. Negative self-image, self-esteem, self-worth, etc. I had it all. I went from self-sabotage to self-love. Self-love is the cure. On November 4, 2023, I quit cold turkey and never looked back.
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Update
After a year of sobriety, I feel weird. I went through a lot. I find myself being passionate about what I do again. There’s still moments of self-sabotage but I’m a different person now. I developed habits and thinking patterns that allow me to quickly get back in balance. I don’t feel the need to drink anymore. It sounds weird but it’s almost like that time period in my life doesn’t seem real. I do talk about my rowdy days and get a dopamine hit when I tell those stories. That’s all I have now, memories.
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I’ll end it with this. I miss my Grandma. She passed away in 2019. Her birthday is November 3rd. The last time I drank was November 3rd. I started reaching out to her in 2023 for help from the other side. If that isn’t a clear sign then I don’t know what is. Gracias Abuelita.
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